Making the decision to pursue the dream of having a baby is a pretty big deal for anyone. For relationships in which reproduction is not possible, those decisions seem to become much bigger and sometimes more complicated. We've had two interviews with different surrogacy agencies and a consultation with Oregon Reproductive Medicine. We have an interview with another surrogacy agency next week. We haven't decided on anything yet. One reason for our delay in making concrete decisions is that the total cost for a surrogacy journey seems astronomical for us. We aren't really sure how successful crowdfunding might be for such a unique project. It would be devastating to start the process and not be able to follow through because we ran out of money. Not to mention the increase in costs after our baby is born. Another big reason for stalling on these decisions is simply because they are so complicated. There's nothing easy about making these life-altering decisions.
In gestational surrogacy, the egg donor and the surrogate are separate. So essentially our kid(s) could have two moms and two dads. A birth mamma (carrier) and a B-Mom (biological). We've had several conversations about how we want to go about identifying and choosing an egg donor. There are a lot of layers to this. Should the donor be known or unknown? A friend? An aquantaince? Should we be looking into "healthy" eggs that have been screened and are waiting in an egg bank at a clinic? How involved do we want the donor to be after birth? These questions can often feel overwhelming. The amount of planning is exhausting. Sometimes I get lost in thought about how many pregnancies go unplanned. There's even a reality show called I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. It seems so unintended for so many people to conceive. Thinking about this can send me spiraling into comparison, which completely squelches my sense of self and creativity—and I'm just starting to believe that one of the most important resources I have is my creativity. So it has become a daily practice to stay out of comparison and to sit with what is true for me not what is true for others.
As I sat in meditation, manifesting and harnessing hope, it came to my attention that no matter how intentional we are in selecting an egg donor, a surrogate, or an agency, there are still so many factors that are out of our control. We can't predict how these decisions will impact our unborn child(ren). We have no idea what the "best" decision will be. We are imperfect and that's ok. What we can do is keep loving each other and to keep trusting in our process. We can hold one another when we feel doubt and not try to change it or fix it.
We'll keep you posted when we start making decisions. :)